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In 2001, the elders of my church wanted to follow up the sell-out success of my panto/parable/Abba song show Step-Mamma Mia!, so I wrote Secret Agent, which was a James Bond story.

All you have to know is that he has several issues with food: he is scared of fruit, has a limited preference for carbohydrates, and in an undercover way places showgirls (particularly one girl named Lucy Lastic) in theatrical performances in the West End: yes, he's a Secret Agent, but he’s also a Secret Agent.


SONG: SCARYMANGO

enter DANCING FRUITS

When you were young and you first wore your handsome suit
You used to say you’d never fear fruit.
(You know you did, you know you did, you know you did)
But in this ever-changing world in which we live in
Such ambitions all go
Scarymango!
Scarymango, Scarymango, Scarymango!
(instrum)
You can’t cope with yams or peaches,
Pomegranites, apples or blackberries,
Bananas, oranges or grapes!
(more instrum)
When you were young and you never felt quite this blue
You used to say fruit held no fear for you
(You know you did, you know you did, you know you did)
But in this ever-changing world in which we live in
Such ambitions all go
Scarymango! Scarymango,
Scarymango, Scarymango!


SONG: WE HAVE ALL THE THYME IN THE WORLD


enter DANCING GIRLS; lights up on band and stage left

We have all the thyme in the world,
Dill and coriander, and mint
Oh such fragrant herbs in our store.
We’ll supply flat-leaf parsley or lemon-grass.
That’s not that all we have, but you’ll find
We need nothing more.
Every herb we could grow excites us
We’ll let chives or even sage entice us.
We have all the thyme in the world, just for love,
Nothing more, nothing less, only love.
Every herb we could grow excites us
We’ll let basil and rosemary entice us.
We have all the thyme in the world, just for love,
Nothing more, nothing less, only love.


SONG: APPLE PIE
(GoldenEye)

Salt and flour and marge and water
Mix them up with patience and flair
He’s so eager for this cooking,
Got his bowl and spoon right there.
Apple Pie, he’s found your weakness,
Apple Pie, not the Yank sort with cheese,
Apple Pie, plenty of sweetness,
Baked for thirty mins at two-hundred degrees
You'll never know how he tried to perfect this recipe
You'll never know how he feels
    when the crust just goes all crumbly;
You'll never know the days, the nights,
   the tears, the tears he’s cried,
But perfect pie is here and there’s no way
  it will be left on the side.
An evil plan with crust and Bramleys,
Served with custard or with cream;
A treat that’s topped with the finest of sugars
It’s his favourite; says it’s supreme!
Apple Pie, not rhubarb or Bakewell
Apple Pie’s so close to his heart
He won’t try any other sweet
Plum Duff, Spotted Dick or Treacle Tart!
You'll never know how he tried to perfect this recipe,
Or how he feels when the crust goes brittle, burned or soggy,
Golden delicious trap,
He’s got for you tonight,
Pastry like a kiss
This time he can’t miss
Now he’s got you in his sights
With an Apple Pie, Bramley, Apple Pie,
With an Apple Pie, Apple Pie!


SONG: THE LOVING SPOTLIGHTS


Hey director, where we going?
So look, my legs are showing
Set my hems up way too high
Dancing queens, we’re not too shy!
Comes the evening when the daylight fades away
Hundred thousand people, I'm the one they frame.
I’ve been waiting long for one of us to say
‘Step out of the darkness, let all gloom fade away!’
Ooohh, we’re loving spotlights
Ooohh, we’re loving spotlights (we’re loving spotlights)
Alright, hold on tight now,
It's down, down to the lime
Keep your dresses way too tight
Applause gets us through the night
Comes the morning when the spotlights fade away
Hundred costume changes, that’s the cost of fame
I've been waiting long for one of us to say
"Save the darkness, let it never fade away"
Ooohh, we’re loving spotlights
Ooohh, we’re loving spotlights (we’re loving spotlights)
Ooohh, we’re loving spotlights (we’re loving spotlights)
(instrum)
Comes the morning and the limelight fades away
Hundred thousand people, I'm the one they frame
Ooohh, we’re loving spotlights
Ooohh, we’re loving spotlights (we’re loving spotlights)
fade
(we’re loving spotlights) set your hems up way too tight
(we’re loving spotlights) applause is what
   gets us through the night
(we’re loving spotlights) set your hems up way too tight
(we’re loving spotlights) applause is what
   gets us through the night
(we’re loving spotlights) set your hems up way too tight


SONG: DIMEBARS ARE FOREVER


Dime Bars are forever,
They are all I need to please me,
They can stimulate and tease me,
They won't leave in the night,
I've no fear that they might desert me.
Dime Bars are forever,
In your heart you always knew it
Bite it, crunch it and then chew it,
I can taste every part,
Nothing hides in the heart to hurt me.
I don't need fruit,
For what good will fruit do me?
Dime Bars never lie to me,
For when all’s said and done,
They’ve got chocolate on.
Dime Bars are forever,
Cooled in my refridgerator
Making me a salivater
Werther’s Original
Is not worth rotting all
Your teeth for
I don't need fruit,
What good does pectin do me?
Dime Bars never lie to me,
For when all’s said and done,
They’ve got chocolate on.

Dime Bars are forever, forever, forever.
Dime Bars are forever, forever, forever
Forever!

Oh yes, you also need to know that the mad professor Q fancies the starchy female head of MI5, M.


SONG: A VIEW TO A Q

Meeting you, with a view, lovely Q,
Face to faces, in secret places. Not so blue.
Nightfall covers me,
But you know, the plans I'm making
Still I over see.
Could it be the whole life opening wide
A sacred why? A mystery gaping inside
The weekends; why?
Until we dance into the choir,
That sweet kiss is first of my choices.
Want to be in your choir
To lovely sounds of breaking voices.
Dance into the choir;
That sweet, sweet kiss is all we need.
Dance into the choir.
The choice for you is to view lovely Q.
May be the boss, but it might be me and you.
A slight change of gears
Could change all the arrangements
Getting on in years,
But I like these potential denouments
A chance to hear sweet nothings in my ears,
A chance to love, but
Until we dance into the choir,
That sweet sweet kiss - first of my choices.
I desire to be in your choir
To lovely sounds of breaking voices.
Dance into the choir;
That sweet, sweet kiss is all we need.
Dance into the choir,
When all we’ll see is that lovely Q, yes, you.


SONG: YOU ONLY EAT RICE


You only eat rice; or so it seems,
Fried rice is first choice when you eat chinese.
No pasta or spud; nor bread are no friends
Basmati, Patna or good old Uncle Bens.
And fruit is the one food you’ve feared for all time
Cranberries and pears, peaches, grapefruit and lime!
This meal is for you, so please make a choice
Take what your heart desires; no need to think twice.
And fruit is the one food with which you just don’t agree
Rhubarb, kiwi, melon, blackcurrant, lychee!
You only eat rice; that’s what we see,
Special fried rice is first choice with chinese.


SONG: NOBODY DANCES BETTER


Nobody dances better
Makes me feel sad for the rest.
Nobody dances half as good as you.
Lucy, you're the best.
I was out looking but somehow you found me.
Put myself in your bright spotlight,
A vast great big par-can shining down from above me,
Is letting all my talents show tonight.
And nobody dances better
Some people used to think that they could.
Nobody dances quite the way you do.
How did you get to be so good?
Oh Lucy you’re special, extremely gifted
Lots of special skills inside you
Tap, Jazz dance and Ballet, it just makes me say ‘Hey’
How'd you learn to do the things you do?
And nobody dances better
Makes me feel sad for the rest.
Nobody dances half as good as you.
Lucy, Lucy Lastic you're the best.
Lucy you're the best.
Lucy you're the best.
Lucy you're the best.
Lucy you're the best.
Lucy you're the best.
Lucy you're the best.
Lucy you're the best.


Anyone interested in the complete script? Contact me and we can negotiate. It needs a great band and a quality cast, as well as some serious staging, because there has to be an underwater scene with the Scarymango’s girls in wetsuits, fighting Lucy and James, who is rescued by a riding away on the back of a shark. It all makes sense when you see it… Don’t forget, you’ll also need a performing rights licence.